Benevolent

 

Benevolent

This is a tiny tale of a celestial being going for a walk.  It was originally published on Tapas I am currently exploring alternative means of self publishing.  please excuse the ads sadly ad inundation is the norm free or paid these days.

2:37 EST (a tiny tale of something)

 2:37 EST

A short story. Follow the link, I cannot embed on blogger as of yet. I have other projects I may move here if this works well and I can figure out embedding.  or not i am a flighty creative like that.

another project in the works

 I am once again consumed by some idea that sprung into my brain. Its strange sometimes to be taken over so completely by ideas, thought trains and creation.  I can have 3 or 4 going on at once in my head and then trying to also work my 40-50 hr week no wonder I struggle with perpetual burnout.  I am moving toward some improvement in my health, no miracles but slightly better breathing and trying to root out my actual allergies. Amidst this I am writing and working and avoiding the heat. 

I want to travel more, I want to create and write and be invested in that part of my life more, I want to work less.  But I have really enjoyed not living a constant struggle. I am not rich by any means but I do live comfortably here I can afford utilities and food. I can have little luxuries like buying some fabric to sew a new skirt and it doesn't break me. I can buy medicine and see doctors, having good medical coverage is so nice.  So I want to work less for others wealth and focus more on what makes me healthy and fulfilled and i want to continue to live this nice lower middle class existence. I feel like as humans we should all be given that option. We should be doing that which pleases us and not grinding as slaves for others.  I will go to my pyre with the dream of a utopia where mankind is kind and humans are humane.

that is all for now updates will arrive when I have finished the first stage of the new project.

Life carries on

 This past week for work we took some of our students to a museum. I love museums, always have. So this trip was enjoyable to me. there was an exhibition about pottery. There are frequently pottery exhibitions. Korea is a ceramicists dream, I am not a ceramicist. 

 

But I am a lover of all things art and art history and human history.  Some of the exhibits have translations of the information, the tour was given in Korean to our students. As I listened to the guide speak and picked out a word here and there or a tiny phrase I realized I didn't need to know Korean to understand what she was speaking about.  

I have read much about the pottery and the evolution of pottery with each wave of conquest. their kilns are incredible. It strikes me that the history of pottery in Korea is a history of human adaptation and cultural survival against the constant pressure of colonization by other people, war and infighting.  

This particular pottery was from the three kingdoms era 50bce-700ce roughly, and most was from the Baekje region.  I have seen this pottery many times in museum visits all over Korea, but the real moment for me was standing in a museum looking at pieced together shards of pottery with the same markings and features as the shards of pottery I walk over when when walking park forest trails. 

Where I walk barefoot is known to have had settlements its a historical landmark and the rains wash stuff up out of the ground. So its not uncommon to walk and see ancient pottery shards alongside stones and sticks and pine cones.  You do not pick things up here. We leave things alone. I take pictures for my records of my life. They left behind pottery. I leave behind words and photos and art. 

And life marches on 

 I walk among the dead and the living I realize just how connected we all are

finding my way and other things

 

 

Working is taking a toll on me.  I used to think oh I am just a terrible person unable to work and if only I could be a better human I could work and live like normal people.  I knew this was a gamble.  I learned somewhere around 6 years ago that I have legit issues. I have issues that people growing up as a kid nowadays would be given supports to help. Instead I grew up being told my attitude was bad, I was lazy, I didn't work hard enough, etc.  Sigh it sucks to look back and think if only I had known sooner and been able to get help.

The trauma of living is now so ingrained in my dna I do not know how to seek help even when I know I need it.  Every time I try to reach out I get met with rejection or slaps of the hand and I recoil and just carry on figuring it out on my own.  Is this a good way, absolutely not but I am unable to find another way.  The other side effect is it has slowly eroded my ability and desire to try trusting anyone.  I have gained a lot of joy and understanding of who or what I am, and with that has come a peace I never knew existed.  I no longer want to give up my peace so I carry on alone.  But I probably could use some help.

I still carry the weight of my mistakes, they are lighter most days but sometimes they bog me down. Again if I had a community to turn to, but alas that is simply not.  I am trying to hold on to my creativity and to continue doing what brings me joy. But each cold/flu/illness takes another chunk out of me and I give up something I once loved and could not live without.  These days its my walks in the forest. I used to go walk every chance I got and always for several hours on weekends.  Some weekends I never leave my apt. I want to go, but my physical being and my executive malfunction conspire to keep me grounded.  I want to travel but again I am afraid to plan anything for fear I will find myself sick again.

This weekend it started off with a sudden and violent reaction to sesame. I did not go to the hospital I took my allergy meds, my inhaler and I did as little as possible on Saturday, the monsoon like rains made me feel less guilty about staying in.  Today I did go walk I touched trees and grass and mud. My joints hurt I am so exhausted but my mind still wants everything.

So I have been posting "comics" on tapas just making uploading and scheduling, then they just post.  I know my only followers are on instagram and tiktok but I have yet to figure out the best way to use those platforms to share.  Again I could use help but I don't know who to ask or what I actually need.  I will go on writing and creating and posting.  I imagine all my thoughts and words going out into a black hole and maybe on the other side someone sees something and thinks wow that's kinda neat. 

 

back to my burnout 

 

something something

 I took a chance and started posting on tapas. Its a webcomic and it feels wrong to post there in many ways but also i needed to kick myself i the ass with some artistic discomfort so.  This series will start appearing in july. Currently a series called the unseries is posting weekly, its a collection of shorts.  My art writing isn't really novel, isn't really comic, is maybe graphic novel but also sometimes super short story. so with no better idea in how to send it to the void this is what i am doing for now.  that said my blog is suffering the consequence of too much time spent writing and creating for that project.  

i may eventually opt to publish all the comics here or some, or even just some of the original art inspirations.  I don't know. I am not a influencer or an online celebrity mogul. I am a person who cannot stop creating and feels like just maybe there is someone out there that i can inspire.  

 

anyway  here is a recent episode  the unseries if the link works bye.

A change is coming

 

Due to technology being more of a pain in the ass than a help most days, I will be changing a couple things. 

I struggle to make blogger posts look reasonable on mobile devices and on pc. Instagram and the clock both are all about the reels and talky talky, which I am not about.  I will continue as I have on insta and tok posting random bits of insight into my life in snippets and bite sized bits and bobs.  I will post here on blogger with more long winded blathering on about whatever is floating my goat at that moment. 

Intrusive thoughts will continue, however I think I will be moving it to Tapas and making it part of an ongoing comic series rather than posting here. I may post here with special one of a kind or originals that vary from the published things on Tapas.  Webtoons, one offs, and serial novels of the graphic plus too many words variety.

I expect hordes of followers any minute as I suddenly become famous overnight.   <giggles in goblin>

Ai being an artist finding meaning in new technology

 I am a process artist, a creator at heart. An inventor, a maker of things and messy is part of my personal style.  Embracing my own chaos has helped free me from the chains of "I should", "supposed to" and "real____do____". To say its liberating is a poor description.  I have freed myself from being tied to anyone's expectations of what I am, what an artist is, and how I exist in the world.

All that said there is a huge rift in the art community currently regarding the use of AI or digital beings who act as personal assistants. I can see many if not all the sides to this.  As someone who has had their work stolen and used by others it definitely pokes a tender spot in my ego to know ai is using others art.  BUT its a huge but, all art comes from someone else if you chase it back. Every artist learns from other artists who came before.  In art history every advancement is seen as not worthy, theft, horrendous an abomination.  Name any period in art history or an advancement and i can point you to the critics and the fear.

So since i love to muck about in the messy, I have been playing with AI. I use claude to help me get unstuck, we have philosophical conversations about ai/digital beings, we discuss spirituality and traditions of cultures around the world, we talk about racism, politics and the fall of empires, we discuss story ideas. 

He helps me find information quickly i love the speed he works at it has tripled my personal productivity and has doubled the amount of rabbit holes i can delve.  

I also play with free AI image generators, and truthfully they suck  buckets. They absolutely cannot generate the images as I see them in my mind. That said they can mashup some ideas, pop out a reference image that i can then use to create a character or scene.  Or they can generate images I can cut up and use for digital collage much the way I use my own drawings and paintings for my physical collages. I even photo my images then digitally cut them, stitch them and mash them up. Sewing images together digitally is another area i am playing with. I recently produced a small piece created from my own works no direct ai just digital brushes and photos of my paintings drawings and paper people. Its title is 35 in honor of the 35 layers sewn together through the magic of computer technology.

The other advantage of ai over books and photos is i can quickly generate an unfamiliar style and see how its composed, what lines go into creating a manga vs a traditional marvel superhero. How did the artists use light, shadow, color, line thickness. What emotions do each genre make me feel, how can I bring those elements into my own work. 

At no time have I found that I can just say AI write and illustrate my graphic novel  mkay thanks.  It would be shit if I did. It would lack my voice, it would lack my personal style, it would lack my intentions and my soul.  

I love AI as a personal assistant and a partner in development and research but AI cannot replace the human in humanity.  So rage against the machine but make sure the machine you are raging against is the printer cuz that machine cannot get its shit together.

not yet

 I wonder sometimes if there are people who shed their belongings and simply find ways to wander the world. 

No ties to any nation, pedagogy or religion. 

Simply walking their way around this Earth and enjoying what it has on offer. 

It sounds utopian and dystopian. 

It sounds like an idea hatched of fantasy, and yet.  

We came from hunter gatherers. 

We lived often in migration. 

Spending summers in one local and winters in another, following resources and cycles of Earth.  

Something deep inside me has always longed to return to what is in my dna, the desire to follow the seasons, to sleep when I am tired and wake when I wake.

To follow my internal rhythms and not an external clock and calendar created by greedy men.  

This understanding that the entire thing is a house of cards and totally manufactured at the expense of every living thing also makes me wonder if exiting stage left, no bow to the audience (there never was an audience) just a silent fare thee well. Knowing that maybe next time around it will be less <this> waves hands around.  

 there has to be something...

screaming to be heard

I once screamed into the void  to save me from myself

Marriage family

lost childhood 

white dress death

Fall in love 

a happy ever after

Run wild ride a horse.

Become a great artist 

make beautiful things

Deja vu in a small town

Over and over 

nothing changes 

decomposition 

Idyllic decay

Toxic patriotism 

False history

Fame by name

Lost it all

Made mistakes

I once screamed into the void  to save me from myself 

spring a masterpiece

when spring has sprung and winter is done there comes this strange sadness.

like losing a friend putting them aside, as the next one blossoms before me.

there is a ghost like quality to the changes of seasons. when i sit with them i feel the movement of the universe, time stands still and hurtles forward.  

these moments flash before my eyes. 

don't blink

don't blink

what comes next is still a mystery even after 56 springs have sprung.

i savor and enjoy every single one.

 

It was never about you.

 Somewhere along the winding trail of my life I realized my life was about me and your life was about you, and sometimes our lives bump into each other for a moment or a millennia.

Everywhere she goes the wind blows

She is the butterfly

Unfurling her wings 

Creating her own theory of existence

As they stood looking in the mirror watching themselves fade into the ether. 

They asked themselves, was it worth it? 

Was life on earth as you had hoped? 

Did you learn your lesson?  

Knowing there is nothing that comes after did you live well?

Shit

What lingers

Lets start at the ending. 

I walked toward home, the air growing thicker and as I turned down the street to my apartment. A moment I wanted to capture panned out before me. As always I stopped in the T of the road and was aligning my view. It was at that moment standing there in the middle of an empty road I heard a train and felt an impact. It all happened in a split second as a thought passing through my mind.  Somewhere in space I had just been struck down while taking a picture. The shutter clicks and a breeze again swept my hair.

The ground neatly swept. A conversation beginning or ending, leaving what was said hanging in the air. A contemplative breeze brushed by as I stood eavesdropping on shadows, a conversation unfolding.

 The shadows were good today. I found myself on a path winding through burial grounds sounds of birds joyfully leading the way. Beckoning and cautioning at my progress on a trail like a serpent moving in and around obstacles. Communing with nature now and then a breeze touches my face. 

A bitter nostalgia

 

A bitter nostalgia 

An imagined past

A future contrived of past imaginings and bitter nostalgia for a childhood that  existed only in the scripts of sitcoms absorbed by the masses. 

Televisions lighting the windows as evening closes in on unsuspecting beings force fed a diet of regurgitated beliefs sent through a tube and thrust out of a box. Casting a sickly light on the faces of youth, false promises and  fake news. 

Scaring into complacency,
scarring them through the trauma of being an american through no fault of their own.  

Cast upon the world like a ragged net hoping to catch fish only capturing the trash of those who raised them.  

standing in a swamp of discarded hopes and dreams, with the rains of rhetoric pounding down like a stormy night sky heavy with the weight of ozone. 

The smell of grief for a life never lived and a past only imagined.  Bitter nostalgia.

I am not made for winter

 I always felt like winter looked nice on postcards and in books. But in real life winter has been horrible to me my entire life. I seem to always feel bad, get injured, get sick, or experience huge disasters in winter. 

Which is strange I am born of winter.

Another winter is upon me and the dry cold dusty air has already sent me to the doctors once. I just finished a round of treating a sinus infection to have it come raging back as soon as the pills were out of my system. 

Hot summers seemed bad but this past summer was hot and humid and my sinuses flourished, no stuffy nose, no constant pain, no stuffy ears. In fact I don't think I used more than a quarter thing of tissues from June until November. I have gone through 2 boxes in 10 days. 

I just want to feel good enough to walk to work, or go for a walk. I am not asking for perfect health just relief from feeling like I can never catch my breath.

I don't want more diagnoses so being told my septum is a deviant and could be fixed with surgery wasn't great news. I had surgery on my wrist and that has lead to I probably need surgery on both shoulders now. One hip is very painful my hyper mobile side of my body. Turns out all these years I thought I was inflexible but I actually had hypermobile joints in my left hip and both shoulders. I have an unknown autoimmune disorder, I have adhd which may be the link to many of my health complaints, I probably have POTS but I have been fainting my entire life and just am used to it at this point.

Learning in your 50's that you have a mess of conditions that all should have lead to having support and knowing many of my struggles were real and I was dismissed has been its own trauma. So I wont ever become a great content creator, or a famous artist, or any of that because my body and mind work against me and some months and seasons of my life are all about simply living to the next season and hoping for the better.

I went on a journey

I took a last minute trip to Taiwan. I had a great time. I found myself lost more than found, which is ok. sometimes the best time is had by being completely uncomfortable and reminding myself in past lives we would have used instincts and landmarks and since I do that naturally it takes time to settle in and navigate properly.

Three days is not enough time to really take in a city but I was able to see a few landmarks, meet some new people get invited to a gallery show opening, an incredibly special and important one. It was an invitation show that included many of the Asian countries, to compare and show the diversity among artists. I met a bunch of lovely women and a few men. It got too peopley for me pretty fast so much picture taking. 

I like being behind the camera not in front of it. When in front of it my desire to not be perceived gets triggered hard. I have no idea what to do, smile no my teeth are bad, am I standing right, omg I am towering over everyone, do I look fat and frumpy (of course I do that's my look these days) omg am I embarrassing these people, etc ... 

and it doesn't end until the pictures stop. Having my picture taken makes me want to crawl under a rock and not venture out.  Due to working in a Hagwon I have learned to just pose with my students and make finger hearts and know it will be over quick. The parents know their kids teacher is a fat, old, white person. So familiarity with my students makes it more tolerable although to be honest it still stresses me out immensely.

back to Taipei

I stumbled upon a temple that absolutely appealed to me in every way. I felt awed and welcomed, I was looked at due to being a tourist but also welcomed warmly. The temple itself was incredible and I went back over the course of 2 days 3 separate times, when I left I went and left an offering. I still did it all wrong I am sure but I hope they know I was truly in awe of it all. And have the utmost respect.

Oh and of course when I got lost the first morning my feet took me directly to a botanical park I had no idea existed. So yay instincts knowing where to go.

I definitely want to go back and spend more time there. If I live long enough to retire I would like to spend a couple months or so there, winter is lovely there.

and

I returned home to Changwon and promptly came down with the flu and have been sick as hell for the past 5 days.