A change is coming

 

Due to technology being more of a pain in the ass than a help most days, I will be changing a couple things. 

I struggle to make blogger posts look reasonable on mobile devices and on pc. Instagram and the clock both are all about the reels and talky talky, which I am not about.  I will continue as I have on insta and tok posting random bits of insight into my life in snippets and bite sized bits and bobs.  I will post here on blogger with more long winded blathering on about whatever is floating my goat at that moment. 

Intrusive thoughts will continue, however I think I will be moving it to Tapas and making it part of an ongoing comic series rather than posting here. I may post here with special one of a kind or originals that vary from the published things on Tapas.  Webtoons, one offs, and serial novels of the graphic plus too many words variety.

I expect hordes of followers any minute as I suddenly become famous overnight.   <giggles in goblin>

screaming to be heard

I once screamed into the void  to save me from myself

Marriage family

lost childhood 

white dress death

Fall in love 

a happy ever after

Run wild ride a horse.

Become a great artist 

make beautiful things

Deja vu in a small town

Over and over 

nothing changes 

decomposition 

Idyllic decay

Toxic patriotism 

False history

Fame by name

Lost it all

Made mistakes

I once screamed into the void  to save me from myself 

spring a masterpiece

when spring has sprung and winter is done there comes this strange sadness.

like losing a friend putting them aside, as the next one blossoms before me.

there is a ghost like quality to the changes of seasons. when i sit with them i feel the movement of the universe, time stands still and hurtles forward.  

these moments flash before my eyes. 

don't blink

don't blink

what comes next is still a mystery even after 56 springs have sprung.

i savor and enjoy every single one.

 

What lingers

Lets start at the ending. 

I walked toward home, the air growing thicker and as I turned down the street to my apartment. A moment I wanted to capture panned out before me. As always I stopped in the T of the road and was aligning my view. It was at that moment standing there in the middle of an empty road I heard a train and felt an impact. It all happened in a split second as a thought passing through my mind.  Somewhere in space I had just been struck down while taking a picture. The shutter clicks and a breeze again swept my hair.

The ground neatly swept. A conversation beginning or ending, leaving what was said hanging in the air. A contemplative breeze brushed by as I stood eavesdropping on shadows, a conversation unfolding.

 The shadows were good today. I found myself on a path winding through burial grounds sounds of birds joyfully leading the way. Beckoning and cautioning at my progress on a trail like a serpent moving in and around obstacles. Communing with nature now and then a breeze touches my face. 

A bitter nostalgia

 

A bitter nostalgia 

An imagined past

A future contrived of past imaginings and bitter nostalgia for a childhood that  existed only in the scripts of sitcoms absorbed by the masses. 

Televisions lighting the windows as evening closes in on unsuspecting beings force fed a diet of regurgitated beliefs sent through a tube and thrust out of a box. Casting a sickly light on the faces of youth, false promises and  fake news. 

Scaring into complacency,
scarring them through the trauma of being an american through no fault of their own.  

Cast upon the world like a ragged net hoping to catch fish only capturing the trash of those who raised them.  

standing in a swamp of discarded hopes and dreams, with the rains of rhetoric pounding down like a stormy night sky heavy with the weight of ozone. 

The smell of grief for a life never lived and a past only imagined.  Bitter nostalgia.

I am not made for winter

 I always felt like winter looked nice on postcards and in books. But in real life winter has been horrible to me my entire life. I seem to always feel bad, get injured, get sick, or experience huge disasters in winter. 

Which is strange I am born of winter.

Another winter is upon me and the dry cold dusty air has already sent me to the doctors once. I just finished a round of treating a sinus infection to have it come raging back as soon as the pills were out of my system. 

Hot summers seemed bad but this past summer was hot and humid and my sinuses flourished, no stuffy nose, no constant pain, no stuffy ears. In fact I don't think I used more than a quarter thing of tissues from June until November. I have gone through 2 boxes in 10 days. 

I just want to feel good enough to walk to work, or go for a walk. I am not asking for perfect health just relief from feeling like I can never catch my breath.

I don't want more diagnoses so being told my septum is a deviant and could be fixed with surgery wasn't great news. I had surgery on my wrist and that has lead to I probably need surgery on both shoulders now. One hip is very painful my hyper mobile side of my body. Turns out all these years I thought I was inflexible but I actually had hypermobile joints in my left hip and both shoulders. I have an unknown autoimmune disorder, I have adhd which may be the link to many of my health complaints, I probably have POTS but I have been fainting my entire life and just am used to it at this point.

Learning in your 50's that you have a mess of conditions that all should have lead to having support and knowing many of my struggles were real and I was dismissed has been its own trauma. So I wont ever become a great content creator, or a famous artist, or any of that because my body and mind work against me and some months and seasons of my life are all about simply living to the next season and hoping for the better.

I went on a journey

I took a last minute trip to Taiwan. I had a great time. I found myself lost more than found, which is ok. sometimes the best time is had by being completely uncomfortable and reminding myself in past lives we would have used instincts and landmarks and since I do that naturally it takes time to settle in and navigate properly.

Three days is not enough time to really take in a city but I was able to see a few landmarks, meet some new people get invited to a gallery show opening, an incredibly special and important one. It was an invitation show that included many of the Asian countries, to compare and show the diversity among artists. I met a bunch of lovely women and a few men. It got too peopley for me pretty fast so much picture taking. 

I like being behind the camera not in front of it. When in front of it my desire to not be perceived gets triggered hard. I have no idea what to do, smile no my teeth are bad, am I standing right, omg I am towering over everyone, do I look fat and frumpy (of course I do that's my look these days) omg am I embarrassing these people, etc ... 

and it doesn't end until the pictures stop. Having my picture taken makes me want to crawl under a rock and not venture out.  Due to working in a Hagwon I have learned to just pose with my students and make finger hearts and know it will be over quick. The parents know their kids teacher is a fat, old, white person. So familiarity with my students makes it more tolerable although to be honest it still stresses me out immensely.

back to Taipei

I stumbled upon a temple that absolutely appealed to me in every way. I felt awed and welcomed, I was looked at due to being a tourist but also welcomed warmly. The temple itself was incredible and I went back over the course of 2 days 3 separate times, when I left I went and left an offering. I still did it all wrong I am sure but I hope they know I was truly in awe of it all. And have the utmost respect.

Oh and of course when I got lost the first morning my feet took me directly to a botanical park I had no idea existed. So yay instincts knowing where to go.

I definitely want to go back and spend more time there. If I live long enough to retire I would like to spend a couple months or so there, winter is lovely there.

and

I returned home to Changwon and promptly came down with the flu and have been sick as hell for the past 5 days.

Wandering where tigers roamed

 

Another day off and another wandering in the local park. A wandering of my mind as always. Today I walked to the top and went slower and more thoughtfully. My goal was to not stress my breathing and cause the usual chest pains.  Something about me. My stupid ass was a smoker for about 20 years. That would be bad enough however I am allergic to smoke, highly reactive. So now I have allergy and exercise induced asthma. I also have very diminished lung capacity I operate on about 30% of what I should have.

I say this not for sympathy or suggestions but to paint an image of what its like to be someone who wants to climb just over the next hill, and whose legs get in shape quickly just by walking up steep hills. My lungs cannot keep up, so today I decided I would try walking at whatever pace kept me from breathing like I am about to die. It was hard to do really hard to do because I want to keep going, just keep moving. after I made it to the top I took a random trail and wandered all over the backside of the hill even crosses a little old log bridge over a ravine. saw some amazing rocks and trees.

My thoughts often get the best of me. I find myself sad, or tearing up over things that never were and never will be. Its a strange form of sentimental regrets about what might have been. It doesn't last long but it happens whenever I find myself among the trees and nature. often I will stop and jot my thoughts into my obsidian notes, and that is enough to clear my mind and focus on the present moment. i remind myself that the present moment is the only one that matters, the past is gone, the future isn't guaranteed. and when i do that i find myself with hilarious thoughts. looking around at some shrubby bamboo and trees of several varieties, red dirt/soil whatever you want to call it, i find it beautiful. i think of all the times i walked forests filled with cougars and bears and creatures. the forests here once had tigers and bears. that thought struck me, momentarily i thought what a way to go to be taken out by a tiger in a place it no longer exists. which then leads my mind down a trail of wondering how different forests were when tigers roamed there.

Some say touch grass but for me the only answer is to touch trees, rocks, earth and water. 

Life marches on

My birthday came and went. It was celebrated but not celebrated. I finally got my green card. So now I have a bank account, which lead to going today and getting a new phone. Now I finally exist here. No longer in a weird in between here but not here.

And yet...

Am I really here, or am I still floating through the multiverse trying to find my fit. Hard to say. I also caught some flu or something that turned into a horrendous sinus infection. I miss making art for myself, but I enjoy creating at work. I am just walking one foot after the other, not sure where I am going but its an adventure.

New year treats from parents. 

I will eventually take pics I can share, lately pics are of my students for their parents.

Farewell for now

💜

Hyperfocus and my artists life.

I have a super power called hyperfocus. It is also my kryptonite. Currently teaching and creating art lesson plans and curriculum are all consuming.

But I did sneak out to a wonderful book store. Also public art is everywhere.

Is this art? I dunno but its creative for sure.

And the more colonial style bronze in the town square.

Not much else. I hope to get out and take more photos as the weather warms and the days get a little longer.

Time to head to work.

settling in

Lets start somewhere in the middle.

The first week was a whirlwind of familiarizing myself with my immediate neighborhood. And going to work each day to shadow and get an idea of how it works.

Let me start by saying these kiddos are incredible humans. They basically begin working 9-5 by age 3. I am not joking. They go to school from 9-5. They are happy, kind, silly and smart. Most of them are super interested in learning like most kids. 

We wear slippers at work. To be fair i see lots of slippers in the streets as well. You have indoor and outdoor slippers. Bags are something everyone carries, men women, kids, even dogs in strollers have bags. 

Food here is marvelous if overwhelming. Groceries are ridiculously expensive so same as back home when I left.

Weather has been super cold teens in F and super mild near 70F the day i arrived.

I have been taking pics and even done some drawing and painting. But i caught a cold so my week of break has been less travel and more watch kdramas and study korean with nearby short trips.

I have seen some local things. Behind my house is a hill with bronze age settlement remnants. This exact location has been used as home for a long long time. 

Across the street the other way is a new planned highrise development and the location of a new starfield mall. It was an unused military base. So here i sit sandwiched between the ancient and the modern.

I will try to drop a photo dump reel on tiktok and insta but have not had great luck recently.

Until the next installment