Working is taking a toll on me. I used to think oh I am just a terrible person unable to work and if only I could be a better human I could work and live like normal people. I knew this was a gamble. I learned somewhere around 6 years ago that I have legit issues. I have issues that people growing up as a kid nowadays would be given supports to help. Instead I grew up being told my attitude was bad, I was lazy, I didn't work hard enough, etc. Sigh it sucks to look back and think if only I had known sooner and been able to get help.
The trauma of living is now so ingrained in my dna I do not know how to seek help even when I know I need it. Every time I try to reach out I get met with rejection or slaps of the hand and I recoil and just carry on figuring it out on my own. Is this a good way, absolutely not but I am unable to find another way. The other side effect is it has slowly eroded my ability and desire to try trusting anyone. I have gained a lot of joy and understanding of who or what I am, and with that has come a peace I never knew existed. I no longer want to give up my peace so I carry on alone. But I probably could use some help.
I still carry the weight of my mistakes, they are lighter most days but sometimes they bog me down. Again if I had a community to turn to, but alas that is simply not. I am trying to hold on to my creativity and to continue doing what brings me joy. But each cold/flu/illness takes another chunk out of me and I give up something I once loved and could not live without. These days its my walks in the forest. I used to go walk every chance I got and always for several hours on weekends. Some weekends I never leave my apt. I want to go, but my physical being and my executive malfunction conspire to keep me grounded. I want to travel but again I am afraid to plan anything for fear I will find myself sick again.
This weekend it started off with a sudden and violent reaction to sesame. I did not go to the hospital I took my allergy meds, my inhaler and I did as little as possible on Saturday, the monsoon like rains made me feel less guilty about staying in. Today I did go walk I touched trees and grass and mud. My joints hurt I am so exhausted but my mind still wants everything.
So I have been posting "comics" on tapas just making uploading and scheduling, then they just post. I know my only followers are on instagram and tiktok but I have yet to figure out the best way to use those platforms to share. Again I could use help but I don't know who to ask or what I actually need. I will go on writing and creating and posting. I imagine all my thoughts and words going out into a black hole and maybe on the other side someone sees something and thinks wow that's kinda neat.
back to my burnout
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