Benevolent

 

Benevolent

This is a tiny tale of a celestial being going for a walk.  It was originally published on Tapas I am currently exploring alternative means of self publishing.  please excuse the ads sadly ad inundation is the norm free or paid these days.

2:37 EST (a tiny tale of something)

 2:37 EST

A short story. Follow the link, I cannot embed on blogger as of yet. I have other projects I may move here if this works well and I can figure out embedding.  or not i am a flighty creative like that.

another project in the works

 I am once again consumed by some idea that sprung into my brain. Its strange sometimes to be taken over so completely by ideas, thought trains and creation.  I can have 3 or 4 going on at once in my head and then trying to also work my 40-50 hr week no wonder I struggle with perpetual burnout.  I am moving toward some improvement in my health, no miracles but slightly better breathing and trying to root out my actual allergies. Amidst this I am writing and working and avoiding the heat. 

I want to travel more, I want to create and write and be invested in that part of my life more, I want to work less.  But I have really enjoyed not living a constant struggle. I am not rich by any means but I do live comfortably here I can afford utilities and food. I can have little luxuries like buying some fabric to sew a new skirt and it doesn't break me. I can buy medicine and see doctors, having good medical coverage is so nice.  So I want to work less for others wealth and focus more on what makes me healthy and fulfilled and i want to continue to live this nice lower middle class existence. I feel like as humans we should all be given that option. We should be doing that which pleases us and not grinding as slaves for others.  I will go to my pyre with the dream of a utopia where mankind is kind and humans are humane.

that is all for now updates will arrive when I have finished the first stage of the new project.

Life carries on

 This past week for work we took some of our students to a museum. I love museums, always have. So this trip was enjoyable to me. there was an exhibition about pottery. There are frequently pottery exhibitions. Korea is a ceramicists dream, I am not a ceramicist. 

 

But I am a lover of all things art and art history and human history.  Some of the exhibits have translations of the information, the tour was given in Korean to our students. As I listened to the guide speak and picked out a word here and there or a tiny phrase I realized I didn't need to know Korean to understand what she was speaking about.  

I have read much about the pottery and the evolution of pottery with each wave of conquest. their kilns are incredible. It strikes me that the history of pottery in Korea is a history of human adaptation and cultural survival against the constant pressure of colonization by other people, war and infighting.  

This particular pottery was from the three kingdoms era 50bce-700ce roughly, and most was from the Baekje region.  I have seen this pottery many times in museum visits all over Korea, but the real moment for me was standing in a museum looking at pieced together shards of pottery with the same markings and features as the shards of pottery I walk over when when walking park forest trails. 

Where I walk barefoot is known to have had settlements its a historical landmark and the rains wash stuff up out of the ground. So its not uncommon to walk and see ancient pottery shards alongside stones and sticks and pine cones.  You do not pick things up here. We leave things alone. I take pictures for my records of my life. They left behind pottery. I leave behind words and photos and art. 

And life marches on 

 I walk among the dead and the living I realize just how connected we all are

finding my way and other things

 

 

Working is taking a toll on me.  I used to think oh I am just a terrible person unable to work and if only I could be a better human I could work and live like normal people.  I knew this was a gamble.  I learned somewhere around 6 years ago that I have legit issues. I have issues that people growing up as a kid nowadays would be given supports to help. Instead I grew up being told my attitude was bad, I was lazy, I didn't work hard enough, etc.  Sigh it sucks to look back and think if only I had known sooner and been able to get help.

The trauma of living is now so ingrained in my dna I do not know how to seek help even when I know I need it.  Every time I try to reach out I get met with rejection or slaps of the hand and I recoil and just carry on figuring it out on my own.  Is this a good way, absolutely not but I am unable to find another way.  The other side effect is it has slowly eroded my ability and desire to try trusting anyone.  I have gained a lot of joy and understanding of who or what I am, and with that has come a peace I never knew existed.  I no longer want to give up my peace so I carry on alone.  But I probably could use some help.

I still carry the weight of my mistakes, they are lighter most days but sometimes they bog me down. Again if I had a community to turn to, but alas that is simply not.  I am trying to hold on to my creativity and to continue doing what brings me joy. But each cold/flu/illness takes another chunk out of me and I give up something I once loved and could not live without.  These days its my walks in the forest. I used to go walk every chance I got and always for several hours on weekends.  Some weekends I never leave my apt. I want to go, but my physical being and my executive malfunction conspire to keep me grounded.  I want to travel but again I am afraid to plan anything for fear I will find myself sick again.

This weekend it started off with a sudden and violent reaction to sesame. I did not go to the hospital I took my allergy meds, my inhaler and I did as little as possible on Saturday, the monsoon like rains made me feel less guilty about staying in.  Today I did go walk I touched trees and grass and mud. My joints hurt I am so exhausted but my mind still wants everything.

So I have been posting "comics" on tapas just making uploading and scheduling, then they just post.  I know my only followers are on instagram and tiktok but I have yet to figure out the best way to use those platforms to share.  Again I could use help but I don't know who to ask or what I actually need.  I will go on writing and creating and posting.  I imagine all my thoughts and words going out into a black hole and maybe on the other side someone sees something and thinks wow that's kinda neat. 

 

back to my burnout 

 

something something

 I took a chance and started posting on tapas. Its a webcomic and it feels wrong to post there in many ways but also i needed to kick myself i the ass with some artistic discomfort so.  This series will start appearing in july. Currently a series called the unseries is posting weekly, its a collection of shorts.  My art writing isn't really novel, isn't really comic, is maybe graphic novel but also sometimes super short story. so with no better idea in how to send it to the void this is what i am doing for now.  that said my blog is suffering the consequence of too much time spent writing and creating for that project.  

i may eventually opt to publish all the comics here or some, or even just some of the original art inspirations.  I don't know. I am not a influencer or an online celebrity mogul. I am a person who cannot stop creating and feels like just maybe there is someone out there that i can inspire.  

 

anyway  here is a recent episode  the unseries if the link works bye.

A change is coming

 

Due to technology being more of a pain in the ass than a help most days, I will be changing a couple things. 

I struggle to make blogger posts look reasonable on mobile devices and on pc. Instagram and the clock both are all about the reels and talky talky, which I am not about.  I will continue as I have on insta and tok posting random bits of insight into my life in snippets and bite sized bits and bobs.  I will post here on blogger with more long winded blathering on about whatever is floating my goat at that moment. 

Intrusive thoughts will continue, however I think I will be moving it to Tapas and making it part of an ongoing comic series rather than posting here. I may post here with special one of a kind or originals that vary from the published things on Tapas.  Webtoons, one offs, and serial novels of the graphic plus too many words variety.

I expect hordes of followers any minute as I suddenly become famous overnight.   <giggles in goblin>